


Damn Everything, Damn You

by parikalpanaa



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F, piper thinking about stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2015-04-10
Packaged: 2018-03-22 06:36:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3718777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parikalpanaa/pseuds/parikalpanaa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Piper's thoughts after that fateful phone call at the end of S02</p>
            </blockquote>





	Damn Everything, Damn You

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Okay, so this is my version of what could have been going on in Piper’s head after she made the phone call to Polly and asked her to call Alex’s probation officer.  
> It’s really just my take on stuff. It's also pretty short.
> 
> Also, a huge thanks to alanabloom for answering a question I asked regarding my piece. She is also known as the prolific writer of the young blood ‘verse which I’m sure is a completely unnecessary introduction (for all the awesome reasons). 
> 
> I hope this goes down well.

Inevitable.

That’s how you like to think of yourself with Alex.

And actually, that’s how you _are_ with Alex.

That’s why she’s coming back.

That's why you _ensured_ she's coming back.

Because you both are, in the simplest of terms, _inevitable._

 

And that’s not just because you both love each other – no denying though, that it _is_ a ginormous part of it.

No, you’re not inevitable because of the love – you’re inevitable because of the _things that love makes you do_.

You’re inevitable because it make you both unwilling _to let each other go_ , unwilling _to let go_.

 

Some might say they’re the same thing – being in love, and not wanting to let go (once, you might have agreed to that, but that was before Paris, before _everything_ ).

They might even say that you’re trying to romanticize lies, betrayal and manipulation.

 

It’s the second thought that really strikes a chord with you.

Because, although there aren’t any _actual people_ saying it, a part of your own brain is.

And you hate that part – for being logical. For being right.

For telling you, that you didn’t have Polly make the call _because_ you were worried Kubra would kill Alex. Or _because_ you’re in love with her.

 

(They’re both true – but not explanatory)

 

You wonder if that's what you would have told yourself a few months ago, though (the answer that comes to mind doesn't do a whole lot to make you feel better).

You wonder if all this is just some sort of subconscious attempt on your part at redemption -  _hey Alex, I know I got you thrown back here, after you told me that you love me, and that your life is in danger, but at least I'm not making any of my usual excuses about it - isn't that just rad?_

You wonder when you started thinking so much about stuff anyway.

And finally, you wonder why you really did make  _that call._

 

(You don't need to - you already know why)

 

You did it because you didn’t want to let her go.

You didn’t want to be alone.

Hell, you _can’t_ be alone!

You do feel that it accounts for something though, that it’s _Alex_ who you long for in your loneliness – and then you want to slock yourself in the head, because what kind of excuse is that?

 

And now you’re just running in the cold, feet pounding on the dew-kissed grass, your own head running around in circles: making its excuses and then catching them out.

 

Damn prison, for the self-awareness, you think.

Damn Soso, for the shit about loneliness, you think.

Damn Larry, for breaking up with you, you think.

Damn Alex, for getting you to perjure yourself, you think.

 

And then.

 

Damn _you,_ for _realizing_ you’re falling into your old blame-game patterns again, you think.

Damn _you_ , for getting Alex arrested again, you think.

Damn _you,_ for hoping that Alex _did_ get arrested, you think.

Damn _you_ , for not wanting to let her go, you think.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
